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| "If it was ever possible, the same is true now. I think it is, however likely it seems improbable. But it was mostly apathy, or sanity, or vanity, or something ridiculous. I miss my family. Not paternally, or maternally, or fraternally, but internally. The one I created. The one we took apart like a house to build two half-standing shacks with a sort of hallway connecting them. The hallway leaks. Its drafy and growing mold. Plus it lets no sunlight in and has no view outward. I think we chucked the all the windows. I remember some sort of deleted thought about love and trust and the need to be with someone. Well, lets replace someone with people. Only two of them. Both, in essence and what some call mythology, a singular part of myself. Not naturally, but it works well enough, I don't think I could have done better by myself anyway, and don't necessarily want to try. A warcry for something better than what I'm sure we feel. Maybe I'm wrong though and I'm the only one. I sincerely hope not. Through all the angst and bitterness and words, I'm left holding memories. Not of those things, but of happiness. As much as I/we could try to deny it, there was some happiness. And it could be there again. I have a plan, if you'll accept my treatise and agree to work with me. And its not a plan for the two, but for one. Please..."
Do you remember about the strawberries, and about peaking interests, and laughing/dancing/hugging in the pouring rain? Well, it's been raining and I'm still dry. | | |
| I'm confused. Saddened. Weeping Buddha. I wish no harm to anyone or myself. But maybe they're right...I'd be better off gone. Who knows. And whoever you are, you can't help. I'll spring to life when death finally knocks me down. But that's probably 60 years off...at the most. Yay for being alive and breathing, but my lungs suck at stale air. By heart pumps muddy blood. My nerves and synapses short-circuit. If only things worked out like you wanted them to. But that's not the way. You can't make someone love you, so I've been told. And it's true...not that I'm in a position to even try. But what if a higher power commanded it? Then, you're helpless, like a captain who thinks he knows where he's going, but the sea inevitably decides where and how you're getting there. Just be content with where you land. I know I will be. Whether it's love or not. Happiness or more difficulty. Sunshine or darkness. Flying or falling. Swimming or drowning. It doesn't matter. It never did. We're all just dissuaded from the truth and look at life like its something we can control. Possibly wisdom, but it always seems to come too late. However it seems to stick and prove itself true in other sitations. But this is ongoing and will help if I need it.
I love the beast. The beast is myself. I hate the beast. The beast is submissive. | | |
| How nice--to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive. So its been over 14 months since I've written on this beast, and believe me when I say, "Good Lord, how things can change." I wouldn't say that it's for the better, and right now, I'm not sure if it could get much worse. But it could also turn out to make me a better, and happier person. I'm not sure if I can put alot of details on here for fear that anything I say could be misconstrued as libel or something. Especially when I'm dealing with a liar. In fact, possibly the biggest liar I've ever had the misfortune to come across. What kind of person could act like they care so little, then when you think things can only get better, their seeming carelessness turns out to be a complete misinterpretation of their actions. By misinterpretation, I mean that this person does in fact care very much. However the things they care about are only rooted in hurting me. Use me to get away. Use me to try and start something new, to help you find out what love is. Then when you can't figure it out because of your selfishness and hatred for everything that you are, you try to make me forget what it is too. Well, it's not going to work. I'm not angry, really. I'm hurt, confused. But that's all temporary, and it dies away, just like the satisfaction you can't get enough of. Maybe this isn't for anyone, maybe it's for me. I guess I'm selfish too. I lie. I crave things...but I know what it is to care about someone. I may not have fallen in love, and if I did, its ruined now, like a fruit laid out to rot. So things are going down the drain, but soon it will be filled with fresh water. Life's not over. At least not for me. Be happy with what you have now, but I've got better things coming. I'm cool like the other side of the pillow.
I guess my only question would be what would possess anyone to do something so selfish and out of this world rediculous? What could possibly benifit someone from lying like this? And because some people are too ignorant to even try to answer some questions, or too cowardly to deal with things directly, I suppose I have to answer things myself. The funny thing is that I couldn't believe anything said because no true words can pass the lips of a liar.
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| Yeah, I know I'm sort of an asshole. The wedding shiz got so twisted that I forgot to send out those emails....sorry. But I am married now and thats when things started changing. So, I don't work at Ihop anymore...it's a convenience store on Gee street at 39 hours per week that I'm doin now. Also, I don't live in the links anymore, which isn't really new and was prewedding, but now I live near downtown. We have a little dog now, named Nacho. It's a Bichon Frise...which is alot like my other dog in Hardy. He's so cute. And finally I got my first piercing, and probably my only one. But I'll wait to post some pictures up here before I say what/where it is. It's not on my penis though.
So, if anyone wants to come see me down at the store it's at the corner of gee and washington and I'm there at nights almost everyday. Except fridays and saturdays, so I can finally do some of those things I'm getting invited to on the weekends. This is the first time that's happened since I moved to Jonesboro. Anyway, hit me up...and if I ever get this apartment settled down and cleaned up, somebody can come by and see it if they want. But I'm done...and it's almost work time. | | |
| So I'm getting married August 4th. To her!
How about that?
"We'll be over soon," they said.
Now, they've lost themselves instead.
*Edit*
Hmm...in response to the "are we all invited?" c.omments, for the most part, yes. We're trying to keep it small, but I guess since I got all these swell friends from highschool and whatnot, you're invited. But everyone doesn't necessarily include you. It's hard to tell exactly who you are, but if I consider you a fairly close friend, then yes. I'll send out some emails or something to let everyone know exactly who can come. I hate to be a douche bag, but the place where we're getting married doesn't really have all the room in the world; it's not at a church or anything. But it will be in Hardy. I'll let all you negros and negrettes know though. And thanks for the support, for real!!! | | |
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